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The latest entrant into Irelands mobile phone market is Superfood Inc.. One of Ireland’s leading fast food specialists. The lack of applicants for the latest 3G licence means offers from non-telecommunications companies were considered. However religious groups were still barred. So the Catholic Church’s ’Omnipotent Communications’ bid was still refused. This despite their offer of a free phone with every baptism. Superfood Inc. are hoping to coincide their new range of phone offers with their new menu. So with every Yummi! meal offered you will be able to buy a new phone or else top up your credit at a discount. You will be able to buy a ‘burger beeper’, which is shaped like a cheeseburger. Next in the range is the ‘chicken sandwich chirper’, the user talks into a chicken wing. The top of the range model is the ‘chilli dog wolfer’ phone. It is shaped like a chilli dog but opens up in the middle revealing a keyboard and screen allowing the use of email. Superfood Inc. have also emphasised an added advantage to these phones. If you lick the phone then you will be able the taste the Yummi! meal flavour associated with the phone. It also periodically releases the scent of the meal, thereby stimulating the user’s appetite. When questioned about the health risk of licking a phone, the company spokesperson, Roger Tablet, claimed ’the people out there are mature enough to realise the damage our 3,4-diphenylpropylene coated phones cause, which is none.’ When pushed more on the health effects of mobile phones in general he had this to say. ’Anything to do with our mobile phones does not cause a health risk. We are so confident of this in fact we put in a health care policy from our sister company, Healthcare Inc. It covers everything that could possibly happen to a person using a mobile phone.’ Tablet continues to explain the 3 main areas the policy covers. Damage to the roof of your house, if your shower pressure drops below a certain threshold and if your pets dies of leprosy. Tablet explains Healthcare Inc. has researched this and believes everyone will win with this offer. He describes it as ‘initiative merchandising.’ |
The pro-Nice campaign is set to launch their latest tactic in order to convince people to vote yes in the Nice referendum. The Government have purchased a big green bus and on the side have painted Ireland in big letters. Bertie has been taking bus-driving lessons, along with Enda Kenny and Mary Harney. Each of them will take turns in driving the bus. Bertie is the first to drive. He and members of the cabinet will drive around Europe with some prominent anti-Nice campaigners in order to get them to change their minds. Through the medium of song, poem and choreographed dance, Bertie and his cabinet will sing and dance about each country they drive through. The music will be provided by the Garda Band. The anti-treaty campaigners will get to hear Brian Cowen sing ’Don’t Poleaxe Poland’ while wearing hilariously comedic lederhosen. He will be joined in the thigh slapping chorus by Michael McDowell. This is to be followed by other examples of European life which is believed will enrich the Irish lifestyle. When they stop in Italy they will get to taste the delights of fine Italian pasta in a number of delicious sauces. They can also witness the lengthy political corruption trials that are on going and hope to pick up some tips on how to accumulate 5/6 tribunals into one tribunal thus saving on costs. Once they pass through the fantastic Alpine tunnel, during which they will have the chance to play ‘who hit who in the dark?’, the French lifestyle awaits them. There they can sample some glorious French wine and also buy some fantastic Charvet shirts. All bought at a handsome price due to them not been collected by the owner. They only problem was they were monogrammed with CJH, but this did not seem to bother the lads at the back of the bus, in fact they could be seen trying them on and shouting the name Mara a lot. The final stop will be the home of Europe, Brussels. Here the anti-Nice Treaty people will get to see the fantastic organisation the E.U. has become. They will see some actual European paperwork processed and enter the ‘Bureaucratic Bottleneck’ and then see the paperwork reach the end in about 2 months. Scrapsaturday.com will continue to follow the escapades of the Big Green Bus. |